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AFC Bourne Yesterday |
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- With a former Spur in charge of the Cherries, they will be hoping to be on top of the cake come the end of the season … or more realistically on top of the bottom three. Newly promoted as the next South Coast Big Club, AFCBY can claim that they have the Vitality to push on and having had recent Premier League experience, they will be hoping not to experience the drop again.
- The biggest problem was squad size and lack of new singings before the season began. Having mis-overheard this, the fitness coaches decided to compensate for this by increasing the weight training at the club to improve strength and increase quads size.
- With one of their strikers being So Lanky an aerial attack tactic might have been expected, but the reduction in the number of cooks at the club might mean that the promotion might not be spoiled.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Brighton Breezy |
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- With Potty Graham intent on undoing all the good work he had previously put in by selling the better players at the club, the incoming transfer money was shelled out on unknown players who Breezy hoped would keep them up and perhaps fetch big money when they were sold on. It was a sustainable model, but only as long as the new players were any good.
- Their winning start to the season continued their end to the last one … but it was only Mancashter United. Their real test will come when they play their big matches against Bourne Yesyerday, when things may conspire against them and against SCBC, as they seek to snatch the title away from the original holders.
- Having lost Baby Boomer and Cucaracha, it looked as though they brought in money that spent, but with goals at the right end being their problem, they were hoping to sign a new forward, although hopes that they would were Fatboy Slim.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Can’t Hold Onto A Leed United |
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- New manager Hackney Marshes has taken a long hard look (well, it would have to be a hard look if it was Leed United) at his existing squad and was shipping out players. Sticking with what he knows, he is snapping up every USMNT player to feature in the white shirt of the Yorkie club and in November became the first club to feature the Amercian Dream Team, with all 11 players and the nine on the bench all being from the good old US of America.
- With the team only just avoiding relegation a poor start to the season saw the board take decisive action and replaced Marshes by roping in Edward Lassoo. Unfortunately, there was no change in fortune, as nobody noticed the difference in manager.
- The club cashed in on the “Dirty Leeds” nickname other clubs had given them by other fans by branding their chips with the same name. Cayton spiced potato fries, topped with Wensleydale cheese, Hallytreeholme peppers and parsley produced their own version of the American dish, as endorsed by Hackney Marshes.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window, because he sounds American.
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Chel All At Sea |
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- The fall of the Roman Empire nearly saw the Chels sink into the sea of oil-money that went missing, with the Government finally seeing sense to put an end to the dubious funding of the club. As it is, some Swiss and American spondoolicks from a consortium led by Bob Tolly have found their way into the bank account of the government to help the victims in Ukraine of the Russian invasion. Tolly and his cohorts have been involved previously in the Dodgy baseball club in the US of A, so taking over at Stafford Briggs will be no great change for them.
- With rumours of links of money in the new board’s purchase of the club coming from Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund, the prospect of working their way through the dubious regimes of the world brought worries among the club’s followers that it may detract from their core business of running a disliked football club.
- The club ‘anthem’ had to be changed from ‘Blue Is The Colour’ to ‘Whatever Nike Choose Is The Colour’.
- With a combined age of 168, the Chelsea defence created a record as the oldest in football history.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Crystal A-Maze-Balls |
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- Paddy Vera’s dream of achieving a top half finish for the not-so-magic Crystals hinge on the scoring machines that they have up front being able to navigate their way to the opposition’s net. John Matey and Wolf Zehe are the two main threats apart from the tackling of their defenders.
- Last season the Crystals took the Plange into the youth market, mainly raiding the Rams youth production line and have also bought players whose names are part of song titles … “(Ayew) The Rock Steady Crew” by The Rock Steady Crew, “I Guaita Guaita” by The Undertones, “Eze (Like A Sunday Morning)” by the Commodores and “Guehi” by the Glass Animals.
- The club have a fans group called “The Maze-urkas” who populate the home end and co-ordinate their songs in the fast paced triple time format of the Polish musical style. Consequently, it is very difficult to understand what they are singing, but they seem to enjoy it anyway. The taking off of their shirts is both unnecessary and offensive.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Everhopeful |
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- Frankie Lampost’s Everhopeful came within a whisker of being relegated last season, so, having a new ground in the pipeline, that and the loss of the oil money from their Russian benefactor has meant this could be another season on the slippery (no so sticky) slope. Needing to sell to avoid further pain by Fair Play regulations being breached, they still are struggling to pay for any new signings, unless they sell their better players before the Prince Rupert’s Towering debts build up further.
- Scouse rhyming slang was introduced into the Everhopeful support this season, as they sought a Dominic (win).
- To help Everhopeful supporters in the cost of living crisis, seats at Goodison Park were put up on special offer, with the price reduced to 75% for those who wanted to leave half-way through the second half.
- The choice of a pink shirt for the away kit was made after consulting psychologists who said it was a calming colour and would diffuse some of the frustration fans might have after another long trip without a win.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Full Of It |
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- Riding the wave of lots of goals to make a return to the Premier League, the West Londoners will be seeking to knock Chel All At Sea off their perch as top dogs in the Borough of Hammersmith and Ful Of It. They might things a bit more hard going in the top division, but are taking the well-worn route of snapping up players linked to other teams, hoping it might all come together … which it didn’t the last time they reached the promised land of the Premier League.
- They have lost one of their talented youngsters and must rely on Aleksandar Mightthrowawobbler being able to step up from being a heavy goal-scorer in the Chumpionship rather than a heavy old lump in the Prem. Lots of players did end up signing for Ful Of it, but it took a visit to Google to find out who they were, apart from Woolwich reject and US chat show host Jay Leno.
- While some at the club are living the American D-Ream, others have a new Manor for the season and for the bookworms, there are a couple of good Reeds/Reids in the squad, but despite the new signings, there is still a Championship-heavy presence in the players available, so they will need a big step up to stay up.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Hepatic Ponds |
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- Klipp Joint started the moaning early, with a pre-season whinge about fixture congestion just having played two friendlies on successive days. The refrain was repeated with the League Cup coming in for criticism as the game was not awarded to his side soon after kick off rather than them having to play at least 90 minutes. Joint then claimed that the oldest cup competition in existence, the FA Cup, should be done away with as the name implies how useful it is to teams. The World Club Championship was nothing more than a sideshow in a non-footballing country, he claimed, even though his club were happy enough to enter in 2019 to claim the title. Oh, and the weather is too hot/wet/cold and the pitches are too dry/wet/bouncy/bumpy.
- Joint was very vocal about the way clubs came to Unfairfield and played with a defensive attitude. “I cannot think this way,” he said as he started to reel off his shopping list, proving he had trouble thinking any way.
- Mo Salad came within a whisker of claiming the Golden Boot, having been given penalty taking duties in every game the club played. However, with seconds left in the final game of the season, his spot-kick sailed high into the Copper End at the home ground of the Ponds and with it flew away his chance of success of being the top goal-scorer as a player who had scored all his goals from open play beat him by a single goal that went in off his backside.
- Massively priced new signing Nunhead Darwin became the natural selection to play alongside Salad and between them the linked up on only one occasion as they both tried to be top scorer.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window, just to annoy Mancashter United.
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Holiday Villa |
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- Gerhard Stevens is a charismatic individual we are told and we hope that his doctor is giving him something for that. His pull at the Holiday Villa is inestimable, mainly because the players he signs are those who are free or who don’t cost too much, but were good on Player Manager four years ago. Have good links with their twin club in Spain C. Villa, where they mine a lot of their signings from.
- The Villa is especially suited to very good children, but the structure of the club makes it very difficult to keep the the club. They even managed to Chukaway one of their best youngsters to Chel All At Sea.
- There is a mixture of the old (Young) and the young, some players are Marvelous and some are Badace, but then some Ming. Having failed to splash the Cash, they might Luiz more than they win, but there is little worry about going Digne this season.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Knitting Him A Forest |
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- The Knitters have decided that the team that played for them in the Champs last season is no good, so they have bought a new team of players who weren’t in top flight first teams, were in teams who finished below them last season or come from abroad and are not names that most people would have heard of.
- With manager Stevo Copper taking the Knitters from the bottom of the Championship to the Premier League via the play-offs, he will have a tough task in trying to stop the club going into reverse, but he will hope to cast off well, drop fewer points than stitches and to find a purl among the players they spent out on from their stash to selvedge the season.
- Many remarked that in the Premier League, the club’s defence might be likened to the lace that the city was famous for. Nice to look at but full of holes.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window … and signed him on a 200k-a-week wage, which is a lot even if he is on a free.
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Mancashter City |
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- Clearing out some of the cheaper players in the City squad, Pepe Guardsman is looking to throw millions of more Abu Dhabi money on the fire to keep his side above 21 other teams. Having snapped up a Norwegian Ogre of a forward for just 73 million of your Euros, along with £40 million on Phillips Kalvin, a product of the Can’t Hang Onto A Leed United system, they have clawed back some money for crisps by selling a winger for 46.8 million Sterling and Jesus, they also got 45 million from the Woolwich Wanderers for one of their other forwards.
- With money no object, it was difficult to see past the blue half of Mancashter for the title winners, but an obsessive Guardsman was often prone to over-think tactics and his flirtation with having played a false nine in previous seasons was jettisoned in favour of a force nine, bagging two goals on his debut and blowing away the West Hamsters.
- A little known fact about their stadium, is that there were plans to build a Flintstones theme park on the area around it. It wasn’t possible to make it profitable because the majority of visitors to the ground don’t like the cartoon, even though those in Abu Dhabi do.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Mancashter United |
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- Eric von Price-Tag is the new man in charge at Gold Trafford and boy is he living up to his name. Getting the new men holding the purse-strings to let them go as loose as a Mack Goire pass has seen him bring in the Ajax team of 1970-72 in an attempt to put United back in the big time. Ron Christian appears to be a problem that hangs over the team like a muscular wraith, but Erik Christiansen may be a player who a lot of people will want to see do well on an individual level.
- Ronny became a big problem for the club, as many said that he had become bigger than United. It was probably a result of the weight training he did that meant he was unable to get through most of the doors at Gold Trafford.
- Things need to change after an opening day defeat, so Right Said Fred were brought in to try an improve one of their midfielder’s performances and they also helped Ron Christian, who felt he was too sexy for the shirt.
- Were not linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Newcash United |
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- Throwing good money after bad could be a motto for Newcash, as sordid money replaced an owner the fans hated. While the club was not anywhere near bankruptcy, they achieved that on moral grounds by taking the Saudi Riyal, much against the feeling among the other clubs in the Premier League. But the Jardies won’t worry about that when their side gets that all important 16th place finish.
They went to the Botman of the pile to sign a new centre-half, securing their prime Targett alongside him and with Nick Pope – a new goalkeeper who should be good with crosses – their defence of last season that leaked goals for fun should be tighter than a sieve (although probably not too much). Manager Eddie-Howelongareyougoingtobeinthatjob must be hoping for a good season to keep his job at the Town Stadium, despite an extended contract.
- With a number of players refusing to join the club despite the magic beans being promised to them, a name change was floated to try and improve the lure of the club. However, they stayed with Newcash after options including Payday Saturday, Bank Boost City, ATM Newcash, Money Toon and Payroll of the Rovers were dismissed.
- In a controversial plan to make their fans buy the new home shirt, each one would have the supporter’s season ticket woven into the pattern of the shirt, which would allow entry when scanned going through the turnstiles.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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On The Ball Cockerels |
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- It was all change at the THS as Count Tony over-hauled the squad bringing in 90 new players. Hairy Rednapper was said to be furious as the Levy enforced upon him when seeking to flesh out the bare bones of his squad has now been replaced by a frighteningly realistic automaton who is controlled by Tony and has opened the wallet at the club in a way not seen before, releasing a plague of moths.
- The extraordinary transfer window activity being done so early lead to one unfortunate casualty, with the Sky Sports reporter who is usually stationed outside the training ground at WhatSpurs Hay all transfer deadline day and all transfer deadline night being laid off.
- The Fab Patrick ran up an incredibly high mobile phone bill in the summer months and after the transfer window closed, he had to undergo an operation to remove the phone from his ear. However, he suffered phantom phone syndrome for a number of months, imagining the device was still there, but this disappeared in December, ahead of the January transfer window.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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South Coast Big Club |
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- The South Coast Big Club have gone large this summer spending big on signing footballers from a top (well second placed) Scottish Premier League team and Mancashter City reserves. Manager Rolf Whatsthehassel will oversee the club’s campaign for a top 17 finish, while upsetting referees, his own fans and that bloke who always hangs around the tunnel, but never gets to speak to the boss.
- New signing A. Bottle-of-Ketchup could well shake things up at the New Dell, with much expected from Jo-Hari Bo, who the club thought was a Korean international.
- Always on the look out for a great new hope, they didn’t want to vegetate, so paid a heavy price for what they hope will be a prize-winning Mara.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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The West London Buzz |
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- Da Beez Neez is da club what everyone is talking about. The club has a heavy dependence on what comes out of Denmark, so their basic building blocks new ground in downtown Hounslow has given them a stage to play their Frank style of football which relies on the ball reaching Tiny Ivan as soon as possible, with a heavy reliance on trying to recreate the current Danish national team.
- Having relied on the Moneyball system of player recruitment, inflation hit the process, with players fees blown out of all proportion, causing the Buzz to a free signing that was all about Mee (and Strakosha in goal), while money was invested in younger talent with a promise for the future.
- Even though the Buzz supporters went Mads about a couple of their players, they weren’t keen on Lewis-Spotter, moaned about Yoane and were at their wit’s end with Fin.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Urban Foxes |
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- Hibernian boss Brenda Rogers looks as though he is done with the Foxes. After a shocking end to the season, he is selling off their best players, while letting the old foxes go to ground. Signing players by scavenging around bins late at night, the club is getting whatever is left hanging around.
- The Foxes were hampered by Premier League rules which banned the use of artificial enhancements, leading to the prohibition on their “Happy Clappers”, leading to the stadium returning to the more peaceful times of the Filbert Street days.
- Amazon Prime expressed an interest in a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the Foxes which was to be named, “Vester-day”, reflecting on the former fantasy club success that has turned into a dystopian nightmare and their gargantuan central defender. Ndidi, the Daka days were upon them after the Evans opened and it was the manager’s job to Mendy the problems, but Justin time, things seemed Albrighton until some Praet Rogers-ed things up.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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West Ham United London |
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- As usual, the promises of the Dodo Brothers has failed to realise any Gold-plated signings, with a Naff signing being their biggest at £30 million, while they must be worried about relegation as they have shelled out to ensure they were going to get Downes. They did spend a large number of samackers on a new Italian striker and they had a nerve buying Aguerd from Rennies, they are out of pockets and the Fools Gold and Sullivan promises are starting to wear thin with the Unhappy Hamsters.
- One positive for the club is that one player’s career came to a ignoble end, but he will be missed, as we will never find out what the point of him was.
- With the heatwave sweeping Britain in July, a major transfer into the club came about by accident as the Board was discussing who to buy when one director asked if anyone wanted an ice lolly, with another responding that he wanted a cornet. It turned out to be one of the most expensive ice creams in football history.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Wolf Walkers |
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- Large Bruno came over as a very nice guy, but the club’s transfer policy was a bit skewed, with eight players released and nine put out on loan, while only one new signing was made before the season started … and he wasn’t Portuguese. Perhaps agents have twigged that if they have players form Portugal on their books, they can get a premium price from the Moli Neu club.
- Wolf Walkers’ new kit was released to howls of protest as it featured a white circle on the traditional Old Gold and Black kit. It turned out that a coffee cup had been left on the original design sheet at the Castor Oil offices and the kit was reproduced from that blue print … or Old Gold and Black print.
- With a winger who was once worth upwards of £50 million and is now priced at around £10 million, it appears that the Wolfy area of the West Midlands seems to be bucking the rising cost of living experienced in the rest of Britain.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
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Woolwich Wanderers |
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- Buying up Mancashter City’s players seemed to be the Wanderers’ main plan for success in 2022-2023.
- Michael Art-Attack became a reality TV star after his performance in an Amazonian production that saw his incredible performance in claiming that he couldn’t field 11 fit players for a Premier League fixture. A product of the La Masia Acting Academy, this came as no surprise and his move to “Georgia, For Sure” made him a real celebrity outside of football, probably because it starring in “The Only Way is Batumi” that was the only way he was going to be a superstar.
- Having Jesus and Mohamed in the same team put a lot of pressure on the manager and when he signed Valery Buddha, he was carrying high hopes for the Holy Trinity, but the fans did not share them, as they couldn’t believe it was not Buddha
- The Highbury DJ was sacked after the crowd turned on the team and the manager following a poor run of results, because he played Britney Spears’ “Toxic” as the team left the pitch after every game
- A shock investigation into Grant Chaka Khan and rumours that there was a syndicate betting on him getting booked in certain games was found to have no basis, as he got booked in every match.
- Were linked with a move for Linny Jessgard in the summer transfer window.
- Were linked with a move for Liam Brady in the summer transfer window.
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