Arsenal – Alternative History, Club Records and Information

Arsenal have always been a rich club.  No leather medicine balls for them in training.  Oh, no.  They used their now famous marble balls of Highbury.  IN fact, when they wanted to play their football in the most fashionable part of London, the only piece of land available was a large burial ground (thus High-bury) in an area that was notable for its mass graves during the Black Death of the 17th Century (i.e. Finsbury, Cannonbury, Gunnersbury) and it was from the latter that they took their nickname.  The ground was intended to be built by part-time decorators, but owing to a typographical error in the advertisement, it was built using art-deco.  Thus, it has the look of a pre World War II stadium built for dictators on the continent or a bas for a tacky table lamp. 

The club has always been at the forefront on innovations for the game. They were the first to play a recognised centre-half. They were the first to introduce the twin centre-halves. They became the originators of the three central defender system. One wonders just what they will come up with next !! The finest moment of their history undoubtedly came in 1971, when they completed the “Double” that they have become famous for – beating Tottenham Hotspur home and away. Since then there have been trophies along the way, but they are better known for their humiliating defeats at the hands of lesser opposition in cup competitions at home (York, Wrexham, Millwall) and in Europe (Winterslag, PAOK Salonika, Spartak Moscow). Indeed, they added to their infamous European role of shame by losing a UEFA Cup final to Galatasaray of Turkey in a penalty shoot-out.  

Unfairly labelled a ‘negative’ and ‘defensive’ team, they seek to recapture the halcyon days of the 1930’s when the club was in the ascendancy. Ever since then, they have carried the “Lucky” Arsenal tag, which they stole from Middlesbrough Ironopolis just before they went out of existence. It is rumoured that a horse and cart involved in the construction of Highbury, are interred under the stadium, with their feet pointing upwards so the horseshoes are the right way up. For several years a family of black cats resided in the referee’s dressing room, before a complaint to the FA made the club remove them. The strong links with Ireland resulted from the club sending representatives over to find a four leaf clover, but ended up forging an association with Shamrock Rovers. The drafting of players from the Emerald Isle was intended to allow some of the luck of the Irish to rub off on the other squad members. 

Since those days, their formerly emerald eyes have strayed to the continent, from where Arsene Winker has looked for young players to boost the squad.  Consequently, they have looked a cosmopolitan side at home and poor away in Europe.  This culminated in a Champions League final defeat to Barcelona, meaning they had completed the European treble … of losing in the final of each European competition.

After the Emirates Faithful eventually started making some noise when they tired of Winker’s lack of success, they took the playing of Britney Spears’ hit “Toxic” to heart and created an atmosphere that the ground is now synonymous with.  They brought in Unai “Dick” Emery as manager, but soon realised he was awful, but they didn’t like him.  Then they thought that someone who knew the Arsenal Way might be better suited to the job and the traditions of the old ground, so Mikel Artdeco took up his first management position in the firing line for the crowd’s angst when things go very, very wrong.

Overall, a team that is much loved throughout the country and one that everybody loves to see do well.

FAMOUS PLAYERS :- Willie Young, Gus Caeser, Terry Neill, David Price, Canon B.O. Ring Esq., Paul Vaessen, Malcolm Webster, David Hillier, Francis Jeffers, Mezut Ozil.

FAMOUS FANS : – Jeremy Beadle [deceased]  (TV Prankster), Melvyn Bragg (TV Presenter and author); Rory McGrath (Comedian); Frankie Dettori (Jockey); Aled Jones (child soprano, TV Presenter – BBC “Songs Of Praise”); David Miliband MP; Peter Hyman MP; Damon Hill (former racing driver); Patsy Palmer (actress – BBC TV “EastEnders”); Jo Guest (Former glamour model); Osama Bin Laden [deceased] (Al Queda terrorist leader); Piers Morgan (former Daily Mirror Editor and TV presenter); Nick Hornby (writer); Stavros Flately (bad X Factor dancer).

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