The MEHSTG Guide to the Transfer Window

Trying to navigate the minefield of website headlines and click-bait that pepper the internet in the lead up to transfer windows, how do you interpret or try to identify who they might be referring to ?  It’s all “genius”, “game-changer” and “talent” as the media hype up players who might make a move and prepare to cut them down once they start playing for their new club.  Then there’s “Made Contact”, “Secret talks” and “Scouting” as clubs seek to find players and determine their terms, but it really means an agent is touting his client around for a big-money move. 

How much of all this is actual fact and how much is clueless speculation that any one of us might come up with is a moot question.  I could say I think Spurs should sign Haaland, much like Dwight Yorke has been getting his name in the news for saying that Mancashter United should “raid” Spurs to sign Son.  Neither will happen, but because Yorke once played at the top level, he puts his opinion out there and it is snapped up by the media, who are keen to put these rumours in print and online to produce a cloud-cuckoo land of these tall tales that are short on factual basis.  Of course, a lot of stories arise from sources at the club or people who are ITK (in the know) or from the writer’s sister’s father-in-law who knows someone down the pub who lives next door to the Amazon driver who delivers to the friend of one of the ground staff’s neighbours.  The only thing the last type of story is missing is a shaggy dog, who is being looked at by Leeds United and could be available for £20 million.

So, how are we supposed to find our way through these stories that are linking Tottenham with almost every player who has ever stepped onto a football pitch ?

There are the stories that contain an age related indicator.  “22 year old” for example.  This requires an intimate knowledge of the age of most of not only the Spurs squad if the report is about a player leaving, but also the year of birth of most players in Europe and South America if it is about Tottenham signing someone.

The other tag often used to draw you into the webpages of the sites are the ones which relate to height.  “6’4″ Titan” is one variant of the genre.  It is quite difficult to learn the heights of over 40,000 players off by heart and you normally have to give in and click through to find out which of over x millions of men are carrying off this measurement.

Price tags are an aspect of transfer dealings which rarely make the news in an accurate form.  They are usually a best guess, unless the club is listed on the Stock Exchange.  Therefore, describing a transfer interest in a “£22 million” star is fraught with danger.  Is the price quoted exactly what was paid for them, is it the price that they would fetch at the time of writing or a random figure that the writer has plucked out of the metaverse to tempt an inquisitive reader to enter to find out exactly who we are about to spaff a record fee up the wall for ?

And so we carry on the endless game of playing the football version of “Guess Who ?” until the end of the month.  To help you find your way through transfer window month, here are a few handy clues to which player might be heading to N17 soon, although I hope that none of them would be described like this …

Titan =  So large that they have the gravitational pull of one of Saturn’s moons
Giant =  Lumbering and slow
Beast = guaranteed a yellow card
Destroyer = can be relied on to commit a foul
Flop  =  Player the author doesn’t rate
Legend  =  Veteran
Machine  =  Breaks down a lot
Dynamo  =  Headless chicken
Sensational  =  Better than average
Outstanding  =  Out of the team
Fantastic  =  Fans don’t rate him
Underrated  =  Scores low on post match ratings (for a reason)
Swoop  =  A ten week chase to sign a player
Prodigy  =  Child
Speed merchant  =  Fast, but can’t put in a decent cross
Mercurial talent  =  Would be a great player on Mercury
Stellar talent  =  good at drinking lager
Versatile  =  Not brilliant in any one position
Bargain  =  £40 million
£20 million  =  £40 million
Hijack  =  Pay over the odds for
Done Deal  =  Still waiting for the player to turn up at Hotspur Way with the club shirt and scarf
The Next …  =  A pale shadow of …
Playmaker  =  can pass to a player on his own side
Flop  =  player who journalist doesn’t rate, but actually is quite good.

Benny The Ball